Hi again,
Thanks for the warm welcome.
I also agree with Pelican on the reasons for being here. I'm coming here for help with my codependent issues, and my low self esteem. When I was married, I though alcohol was my only friend, I found out it was my worst enemy. Without the alcohol, I would have left my marriage long before 12/2008. It would have been 2001.
I told my ex that I was leaving him in March 2000, then I was diagnosed with cancer. He immediately turned himself around, and became the husband that I needed, so I stayed. After my cancer treatment, we were just talking one day, having a good time, and he said to me "I see you got your strength back now, you're back to your old *itchy self. I should have left then. From that point on, he increased his drinking, his abuse, he started disappearing for days at a time, then weeks at a time.
I felt like I was trapped, my children were still in HS, and I had pets. I never knew when he was going to be home, and I felt I couldn't just leave and take the children and leave the pets, so I stayed.
I started reading all the books about abuse, at that time, I didn't even add in that he was an alcoholic, because, hey, I was drinking also.
After my cancer treatment, I put on a lot of weight, and I went on a diet to lose it, so, of course, I gave up the alcohol. l lost the weight that I wanted to, but I no longer had the desire to drink. I didn't drink for 2 1/2 years. He attacked me nightly for not drinking, when before he was attacking me, saying that my drinking was causing the problems. Nightly I would hear him say, in his sarcastic voice, "so I guess you're a saint now, since you don't drink". He would harass me all night, not just about not drinking, but everything, the TV shows that I watched, that I washed clothes that day, or didn't wash clothes that day.... etc.....
I couldn't take it anymore, I went back to drinking. I started to spend my nights, from 7:00pm in the garage, and sleeping in the car, because I just could not handle going back into my house, when he would start up. I enjoyed it when he wasn't speaking to me, then he would sit in his own TV room and leave me alone.
If he was in the same room as me, I wasn't allowed to speak, he would attack everything that I said, even if I asked him, how his day was. I would see him in a good mood, and then I could see his whole face change, (it's amazing how you can tell right away, the lines in his face would change, his face would get a little red, you could see the veins in his neck, you can see his eyes change, and know that they were not seeing me anymore, they were blank and empty) and I would know that we were in for another 6 month fight.
I then spent years reading about personality disorders. I got him to go to at least 5 therapist, all the therapist agreed with me, and they wanted him to go for a medication evaluation. He refused to go, he wanted to just work things out between the 2 of us.
Not going to spend much time on that, because that was my problem. I couldn't accept it at that time, that I could not "cure it".
Then I just "numbed" myself, thinking if I did this, I could withstand the onslaughts and just walk away. It worked for awhile, then he would start to follow me, when I walked away. The fights then became physical.
After my first black eye, and the restraining order, and the court ordered abuse classes, and alcohol classes, (similar to AA, but mandatory), we tried to work things out during this time. He became the person that I remembered, it lasted 2 months.
Then it got worse and worse. I became like a zombie. I had my own therapist then that I was seeing for situational depression, PTSD, and axiety/panic attacks. I was just living from one day to the next, but not really existing. I couldn't wait to go to sleep, and I was afraid to wake up. I became immobolized. and each time he would leave and disappeared for 3 - 4 weeks, I would drink the first 2 days, and on the 3rd I would get disgusted with myself, put down the bottle, and start taking care of myself, but then he would come back.
I finally made my escape on 12/31/2008. I was invited to a New Years Eve party at my friends that lived 1 1/2 hours away from me, my H was also invited. He told me he wasn't going. So, I packed up my things and started driving there. He called me to tell me that he wasn't coming home. This would have been the 5th NYE that he would have abandoned me. I told him that I already left, and that I am not turning around to go back home, and that he better be there to take care of the dog. I already had a lot of my stuff at my friends house, so I just never went back.
Sorry that this was so long, but I needed to get it out there, so I can start my recovery.