Need to vent
well this is my first time posting in the forum, not even sure why, guess its just to vent. I feel so hopeless at the moment, and how am I to stay sober when I have so much **** in my life bringing me down? Heck most days I find it hard even to get out of bed let alone do any sort of day to day activities. Its like I hate life, nothing is enjoyable, even getting high and drunk doesnt help like it use to. The one and only thing that brings me happiness is my dog, and it hurts me to look into her eyes and it feels like she knows something is wrong. I want to be the best for her because she deserves so much more, I guess thats a reason I am still here... I would never want to leave her in someone else hands (sad coming from an alkie and drug addict to think I of all people should be saying anything). Ugg no one seems to understand me, the people I love I keep pushing further and further away, even my sister doesnt want to spend time with me much anymore, can I blame her? I miss my mom so much, and I wish she could be a part of my life, but I know it wont happen,she has a family that is healthy, a family that is always there, a family that wont cause the hurt i tend to do, and I dont really intend to cause her grief, i dont wish it on my family but I think they are learning to just let amanda do what amanda is going to do. When I do talk to my family its the same **** over and over telling me how I should do things, telling me what I can do with my life... must be nice to sit back and say all those things to someone hurting so much. I am jealous of my siblings, they get everything! My mom says she wishes she could pay off my student loan so I can get back into school so i can try to make something of my life, and what does she do? she decides to pay for my sisters schooling (after she told me she didnt have the money to help me), of course i guess i am kinda use to this by now, they always got everything, and i got **** all. I still havent found a job, that doesnt help with my self esteem what soever and after every interview i feel happy, like I got it in the bag, just to be 10 times more disappointed when i never get a call... I feel like i am losing an up hill battle and i have no idea if i can get to the top. Guess im done for now take care all.