Hi December,
WOW...you and I could really talk. My mom (when she was alive) did that to me, for years. That was so manipulative and hurtful. I had put her in treatment the 3rd time, and then she wouldn't speak to me for something like 5 years. It's weird, you (I) know there is something really wrong with their thinking (alcohol and a chip missing), yet it is a natural desire to have the approval and love of one's parent(s). Honest to God, when she died I had panic attacks. I couldn't figure out why. I guess I always hoped for a "mom" and not that woman to be my mother. I just wanted a mom, who loved. I too was such a good kid. I made mistakes, but not criminal or drugs/alcohol kind. I was really a very responsible person considering I raised myself (no exaggeration). I am so sorry for you. I don't think I have ever met someone whom had experienced that. Their behavior is sick, and selfish. They know they hurt people, and thrive on it. I know what you must feel like. Honestly, in the end her death was a blessing as she wasn't just an alcoholic, but cruel and manipulative, taking for granted all those (including her own parents-her father outlived her). She was flat out mean. See her for what she is. There shouldn't be compassion for people who are simply mean, and abuse others.
I wasn't a drinker or a drug user either.
I feel sometimes like I am dying right along with him. Wow, that sounded grim.
Your life has so many similarities. You have a child (son) also on drugs, and only a parent knows what that feels like. It takes away your reason to live. People might think (in my case) "Well, you've got two other children...", but it doesn't matter. Losing a child before your very eyes with something that could be stopped, and the powerlessness is unbelievably heartwrenching.
You said: "I do think that there is probably nothing you can say that will make him see anything, but at least he knows that you really love him, and that matters."
I know it is important for any person to know they are loved, and would never treat my children (adults or not) the way I was treated by ignoring them or disowning them. That is to instill hurt, to accomplish a goal. My kids are not to be my robots, I just want them to be happy and healthy. Using drugs or alcohol produces neither.
"My thoughts are with you and your son." Me too, and thank you so much. I really mean that. Email me any time.
Deb