Welcome to SR.......I'm sorry you found it necessary to find us but I'm glad you did. I hope you find comfort here. I do.
Good good good for you for getting yourself to an Alanon Meeting! With your background and exposure to addiction, I hope you find that the information you get from those meetings is liberating. It's not unusual to find that you need to go to more than one meeting group before finding one that's a good fit. It took me a few meetings before I found my "fit" and then many many meetings to begin to make heads or tails of the information I was getting there. Keep going back. It really does work if you work it.
Marriage doesn't make those problems go away. Personally, I found that the problems seemed to grow exponentially after marriage. That's when I REALLY began to feel as though I was being held hostage! Threats of "I'll kill myself if you leave me" kept me in the marriage far longer than it should have.
Addicts know how to play with your head.....and they seem to do it without conscience. They have an agenda.
I have found that working the program I wish the addict would work is doing far more for me than just helping me cope with the addict in my life. It is helping me in all aspects of my life and all relationships I have. I'm finding that it's worth it.....for me.
I hope you stick around. Vent. Explore. Ask questions. Read. Post. Learn. Share. We will walk with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke