Bamboo,
I had to look twice to make sure that your post wasn't one that I wrote 6 years ago. Of all of the posts that I have read here and all the numerous similarities I seen in other's stories I've never read one that seemed so close to my experience.
There is a saying that addicts do not have relationships, they take hostages. Your analogy of being held hostage really rings true. Even when an addict is sober this can be true if they are not working a recovery program.
My husband (former crack addict) and I were told by counselors that the only way that our relationship would survive was if we both worked a recovery program. I dove in head first and worked the program that I wish that he had worked. Unfortunately, as soon as we married his recovery ground to a halt. He remained sober but the "addict thinking" and mentality ruled his behaviors. I thought that I had protected my finances but it turns out that I was much more vulnerable than I realized. My relationship with my now ex husband has made my life very difficult and cost me dearly - emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. He charmed me into believing in him and putting my concerns and worries aside - using many of the same ploys/comments as your fiancee. I left my husband this past May and I've been hearing all of those comments ever since. It is taking every fiber of my being to resist what feels like some snake charming trance.....but I know that if I got pulled back in I would end up back in the same abusive and unhappy situation that I left. I adored this man at one point, our relationship was magic, and I just knew that somehow we were destined to be together.
My past created a lot of co-dependency in me and I found the perfect match for all of that in my husband. I was an unrecovered co-dependent when we got together. Thankfully, I've spent a lot of time in meetings, working the steps, and "doing the deal" and it has really helped me. My need for Alanon and recovery has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. It took me a long time to get that.
I'm really sad that my husband did not continue to honor his commitment to recovery. I think that had he done that we might have been able to make our marriage work. Unfortunately, you can never predict what another is actually going to do. I believed in his commitment enough to marry him and he let both of us down.
In hindsight, I wish that I had protected my children and myself by not marrying him. It was a huge risk to take....a much greater one than I even realized. If I had not married him it would have left me in such a better position had our relationship not worked out. You really have to look at it practically and figure out what you have to gain or lose if you marry someone. It's not just about love - especially when you have children involved. My husband's children and mine are devastated that our family did not work out. It really is heartbreaking.
Anyhow.....I think that it is a great idea to give it a lot of time to really understand and see what you are getting into. I'm not saying to stay away from him because you are the only one that can make that decision.....just really reconsider whether a legal tie to someone that has a history of crack addiction and is currently using mind altering substances is someone that you want to align your star with......it can easily lead to flaming out and is that really worth the risk?
I hope that you will stick around....no matter what you do it helps to have a community of support. I joined this forum back in the spring of 2005 - back when I was only dating my husband. Everyone warned me to be careful and I definitely did not heed anyone's advice. But.....I've always been welcomed here and supported. I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter what you do we are here for you.