Originally Posted by
natamars 
wanttobehealthy, what you're describing is my biggest fear. I have no idea of this will last. I'm sure as time goes on and the memory of the arrest is more remote, it will not be as big of a motivator.
May I ask what contact, if any, your ex has with your daughters and how you make that work? My husband is a good, involved father in many ways, although I do worry about the effect of the drinking on my son. He has never been physically abusive, but there have been some episodes of anger that have scared me. Alcoholism runs in both my and my husband's families, so I have to be concerned about the genetic component in my son as well.
I proclaimed the same as you for a long time (that my H was a great Dad and loved the girls), and it may be true BUT once I took a good hard look at the time he spends with them and how easily agitated he is when they are anything but perfect, I realized that he is not nearly as invested in being a Dad as he;d have others believe. I'm just saying that as a story from my perspective in the event that you're noticing similar things and feeling "guilty" (as I remember feeling) for thinking that.
To your question: he sees them a few times a week for about an hour (his choice). He teaches and coaches (he chose coaching over more time with the girls bc as a coach he is praised and thought highly of so that's clearly far more important) so he only has about an hour when that's all done before they go to bed. So, a few evenings a week he comes by and plays with them before bed and I go for a run.
Weekends have been a little erratic and unpredictable and I need to get better with requesting a schedule. He spends time here at the house supposedly "with" them but typically it looks something like this: AH in yard doing things he enjoys, girls playing and when they need something they come find me OR AH next door drinking with neighbor and girls playing with the neighbors kids and neighbors wife and I watch kids.
I;m not pointing out to him that he really isn;t spending anything resembling quality time with the girls (and this is what it was like when he was living here too-- not any different) bc this works for me. I know if I made a to do about it he'd pretend to want more time with them just to prove a point and the girls would be the ones who'd hurt bc of it.
He comes here to see them bc I won't let them go to the place he's living and it makes me feel they are safer when he's here vs him taking them in the car and god knows what would happen.
I do think he loves them but I think that when it comes to being a responsible parent who is willing to do the unpleasant parts of parenting, he has zero interest. He puts on an act that he's distraught over how little time he has with them but it's totally his choice and I know he knows that.
The girls are always happy to see him when he comes and I'm glad for them for whatever pleasant time they spend with him. I think honestly it is so much better for hte girls with AH and I apart. I am so much more relaxed and such a better mother and I imagine that the time they spend with AH is less stressful than it was when we were here together bc in the past I'd sort of hover, worried that if I wasn't there he'd do or not do something wrong. He still may do things I don't like and he doesn't hold the girls to any rules when he is here but I'm not around for the majority of it and I just go back to having things be how they are when it's me and the girls seem to have adjusted well.
I don't know if I answered what you asked me... I am happy to share whatever experiences I've had so ask away...
I am sorry to have brought your biggest fear to the forefront of your thoughts (that he won't stick tot he things he's promising as the arrest is further in the past). I wish I could say I thoght my H's behavior was the exception but I think that it's probably pretty typical of A's to make all sorts of promises and "never again" proclamations in the heat of the moment and then have an uncanny ability to forget it all within days. I do truly hope that your H will be the exception to this.