Wow, thank you for all of this. I am looking forward to reading these comments a few dozen times :o) and also the other posts, as cc88 said, seems that people here can help show me the way to be a better listener to myself.
I have heard that insanity reference a thousand times, and I replay it in my head every day. :o) Can't hear it enough, I guess. Do you know the Sheryl Crow song where she says, "I plead insanity, cause I can't leave, but I can't stay"? Yeah.
No, I don't provide for him -- we have separate households (both of us divorced with kids), and actually he is very sensitive about me paying for things when we go out to dinner, for instance. He is very generous, overly so actually. I actually make a conscious effort to avoid financial and logistical entanglements, because I have seen things fall apart in my time with him (commitments not kept, impulsive purchases, credit issues). In our discussions about the future and buying a home, I rationalize that I would do it so, if things went awry, it would simply be my place to keep. Um, red flag?
And artist83, I so appreciate your story and your empathy, and admire your ability to take care of yourself productively, to be able to make the better choices.
I grew up in an addictive household -- my mom an alcoholic, my dad a compulsive gambler, pretty much on my own. When I met my guy, he told me the situation on our third date, which I was impressed with and instead of running I thought, maybe this is my chance to start working through my past challenges. At that time, he was launching his recovery with fervor, and we had a lot of promise. Just saying... I've been around the behaviors all my life, and part of my guilt I guess is not wanting to dump him because he has an illness. And he keeps trying to battle the illness. Until he stops.
There are so many layers to it all... it's not just the act of using. It's the behaviors all around and leading up to it. It's like being cheated on -- the actual act itself sucks. But then there's the obsessing and the phone calls and secret emails and planning to meet and all the attention around the act before it ever happens, and then all the aftermath.