Welcome to SR! Glad you are here!
Originally Posted by
bamboo38 
He is currently sober, as I said, and going to plenty of meetings and therapy and working hard on his business. But at this point, after the months of the lies (whether or not he had control over them), I am always on edge as to what is real and what is not. He could tell me he had a turkey sandwich for lunch and at my core I would wonder if that was true. I know, I'm losing it. I am going to therapy and reading co-dependent books and trying to see the big picture. I'm trying to understand the disease and not take it personally and detach. I second-guess my defenses and deconstruct my intuition and let me tell you, I'm freaking exhausted. Because in my experience, it’s not just the USING that’s so unpleasant and disappointing. I have found that, weeks before the actual relapse, he becomes moody, secretive, anxious, unpleasant. He shuts down, shuts me out, and when I raise my hand about it, I get a full-on debate. Then I try to leave, then we talk about it, then I get photos and letters and really good sex.
Trust me when I say that I completely understand what you are going through. For me, the deception, the lies, the pain I feel when the trust I once had for my bf is broken time and time again, is the hardest part of it all. Regardless of how long the addicts in our lives have been sober (or working on getting sober), those feeling of betrayal linger for a very long time, and in all honesty I'm not sure if they will ever go away or if you (or I) will ever be able to forgive or forget all of the lies and broken promises.
And yes, being in a relationship with an addict is emotionally exhausting - it wears you down until you feel like you can't go on. I know the cycle all too well - the few weeks of happiness followed by the mood swings, secretive behavior, anger, and him shutting me out of his life. It's all so overwhelming.
The truth is that until your fiance really wants to change his life and get clean once and for all, the cycle will continue to repeat itself over and over again. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him change - he has to do this when he is ready and on his own. You are not responsible for him, his addiction, or his feelings. All of the guilt he puts on you when you try to leave is a bunch of crap - he's manipulating you into staying and enabling him to continue using. So if you choose to stay, the choice needs to be YOUR choice. Don't make decisions based on his feelings or your guilt - make decisions based on what YOU NEED AND WANT, and if supporting him throughout his recovery is one of them, then by all means stay. But if you are staying in the relationship because you feel GUILTY for leaving him, then you are staying for the wrong reason. You cannot allow guilt to affect your decision making process.
I know you have read this and probably heard it before, but the only person you are responsible for or have control over is YOU. Until you truly believe this and understand that you are powerless over others - their behaviors, feelings, decisions, and reactions - you will continue to feel the same anxiety, stress, and pain that you are feeling right now. You can't begin your own recovery until you have let go of everything you cannot control. You have to let go of all of of your worries, all of your fears, and trust in your Higher Power (whoever or whatever he/she/it may be). You have to let go.
I know it's hard to just walk away, detach emotionally from your fiance's addiction, but it is the best thing for both of you. This was so difficult for me to do, and sometimes I slip and react to my bf's addiction in self-destructive manners, but I'm human and I'm going to make mistakes. But since I have learned how to emotionally detach from my bf's addiction and the behaviors that come along with it, I have become a better, more stable person. I no longer cry, beg, and plead for him to stop - this self-destruction was killing me and I had to make a change - so now I simply go to another place, emotionally speaking. I find peace, go to an emotionally safe place, and block out all of the pain. Sometimes I leave the house because being away from him is the only way I can detach, but when I don't leave I simply do something that makes me happy - I write, read a book, post on my book blog, work on a painting, take my dogs for a walk, log onto this site or other chat rooms, take a bath, and so on. When my mind is off of him and his addiction, I can think things through with a clear mind and make good decisions rather than self-destructing.
No one can tell you what to do - you have to decide what you need and want, decide what is best for you. But if you want to find any peace, you have to accept that you didn't cause your bf's addiction, can't change him, and can't cure him. He needs to have full responsibility for his own recovery as you must take full responsibility for yours.
Hope this helped in some way...
Take care of you!