bamboo38

Hi - I am new to this forum so apologies if I overstepped protocol... I was drawn in and responded to another woman's posting about her engagement. I too am engaged, to a currently recovering addict. Frankly, I wanted to put quotes around "recovering," which would have just been sarcastic and not fair. But truth is, a month ago he was using, and six months prior to that he stopped a seven-month relapse. When we met, less than two years ago, he had just come off what I hear was a bad streak, a couple of years' long. And he has been in and out of treatment and programs for maybe 20 years. I may have lost you with the timeframe here, but you get the picture.

Our courtship has been full of promise and other-worldly signs and affirmations. The good times, the connections, have surpassed any other relationship. For all along this ride, there has been something very different and special and spiritual between us, as cliche as that sounds. I am divorced 10 years and dated a lot, but it has been rare that I felt connected this way. And I am absolutely not the type of person who NEEDS a relationship at any time -- in fact, I went for about seven years without anyone in particular, just dating. It always seemed easier to be alone than to deal with someone else's drama. Ironic, no?

He is a crack addict, a weed lover, and not particularly interested in alcohol per se, but during his 7-month relapse with me in his life, i watched him consume it with no off switch. (At that time, he said that pot and alcohol would be ok because they weren't his problem substance, and could actually help him stay away from crack.) Seemed to me that getting baked several days a week was not cool, and my therapist at the time said, "Um... he is RELAPSING, dear," despite my contesting that no, no, he wasn't smoking crack. Turns out he was, though.

I have tried to end it. Who would want to sign on to a life like this? But he is hands-down the most articulate debater on the planet. I would write out bullet points (being a very poor debater, I needed materials). I would gain strength from selected allies. I would refuse contact. Somehow he would get to me and remind me of everything wonderful about what we have, and how things will improve in time, be patient, don't throw out the baby with the bath water, and that no one will love me this way, and what would it hurt to give it just one more try. Eventually I see some glimmer of hope. Or, I tell myself I will walk away next time. I attend open AA meetings with him, listen to tapes, work with him to get his kids back into his house, because I see he is trying to get well, trying to do the next right thing.

He proposed, and I said yes, during a very bright and promising sober stretch this spring. Even as I said yes, I figured that I could always back out, or that we could just remain engaged, for we cared about each other, but how could I sign on to him financially?

He is currently sober, as I said, and going to plenty of meetings and therapy and working hard on his business. But at this point, after the months of the lies (whether or not he had control over them), I am always on edge as to what is real and what is not. He could tell me he had a turkey sandwich for lunch and at my core I would wonder if that was true. I know, I'm losing it. I am going to therapy and reading co-dependent books and trying to see the big picture. I'm trying to understand the disease and not take it personally and detach. I second-guess my defenses and deconstruct my intuition and let me tell you, I'm freaking exhausted. Because in my experience, it’s not just the USING that’s so unpleasant and disappointing. I have found that, weeks before the actual relapse, he becomes moody, secretive, anxious, unpleasant. He shuts down, shuts me out, and when I raise my hand about it, I get a full-on debate. Then I try to leave, then we talk about it, then I get photos and letters and really good sex.

I gave my post the title I did because I feel like a hostage, even though I know, I know, I know, it's up to me. When I am with him his personality is so big and intense and large and moody and manic and overwhelming that I am starting, more and more, to just want to run. At this point, when I start to say anything about taking a break, it becomes an argument about my giving up and my pessimism, and i start to wonder if I am just complaining or it's my abandonment issues or if I am cruel.

Each time we go in another circle, I lose a little bit of that hope, and the future is scaring me now. He says I am a pessimist and a quitter, etc. I say I need some time; he says, sure, we could take a break while I get better -- but wouldn't it make more sense to be together through the process? He says, when two people are in love, they don't leave each other and say "Call me when you are healthy." Then I feel terrible.

So I am sending out this message in a bottle... help. I feel like a hostage, in that I can’t open the door and walk out and never look back. But maybe that is the drama queen in me and reality is staying and fighting the battle for the one you care about.

Please, fire away -- I need your tough love!! <3