NAH1203, Our mothers are the same age, so I'm guessing we are similar in age as well. I am the oldest of 5 and have also dealt with her drinking my whole life. Only back in the day she hid it well and I'd mainly deal with her nasty insults, lacking parenting skills and embarrassing behavior that most did not realize the connection to alcohol back then.
Your last few sentences hit home for me. The pain IS paralyzing. It's just TOO much. It's not that I don't care either, it's that I have been caring longer than anyone else involved, because I've been dealing with it the longest. At a certain point you have to save yourself. She's never out of my mind - you nailed that as well. I think of her daily - sadly, I know she does not do the same of me.
It's okay though, I'm coming to terms with it all and it's just time to say goodbye. There is a strange sense of relief in realizing that it is time to walk away. A sense of freedom, if you will. I have been weighed down by my mother's issues for far too long. I'm at peace with the fact that my family is seemingly getting smaller, anyone that does not understand or condone my choices at this point really doesn't have a place in my life and has become as toxic as my mother to have around. Of course most of the family members in that category are also in denial, or in the "hopeful" stage. I went through that for years. I tried to help for years. I'm done.
My mother was not at my wedding, she was not interested. After a series of attempts at trying to get her to be involved, which included buying and sending her dresses through the mail since she refused to go to the store herself, pleading with her to buy her plane tickets, attempting to discuss menu choices with her (during which time she chooses to tell me her wedding was better for a variety of reasons, etc.). The list goes on...finally she refused to buy a plane ticket in one of her drunken stupors and screamed that she wasn't going to do anything for "this" wedding, so I succumbed and told her to go ahead and stay home, it's what she wanted anyway. And, sure enough..she did. Never called, nothing. I have to admit though, having her there would have been equally as heartbreaking, as I know there would have been a drunken scene like you describe from your wedding. There is no good solution when dealing with this disease. You just have to sort of decide what you can handle and go with it.
Best wishes to you.