Unfortunately, when as children, living with a parent(s) who have an addiction problem we, as adults, never fully recover from this toxic childhood. Adult children of alcoholics/drug addicts suffer from depression, anxiety and a negative self image. In addition 50% of us marry alcoholics/drug addicts as we carry our childhood into adulthood.
I am the self proclaimed poster child for being raised in an abusive toxic home. It is my goal to die mentally and emotionally healthy, that goal is in the forefront of my mind.
Reading your post in F&F, I see that you are concerned about not finding Mr. Right, all I can say to that is....find yourself first, be at peace with yourself...until you do that...there will never be a Mr. Right, as, you must get yourself healthy first.
As you know, my Dad died last year, he was sober for 20 years, yet, he was a selfish, stingy, cold man. I could never get close to him, I mourn the loss, however, I really do believe that if I had died instead, it really wouldn't make a difference to him.
My mother, the super abusive drunk, she is going on 86 and it would be a relief to me if she died...I know that sounds bad, however, she is a boat anchor around my and my brothers neck, she never lets up. She stole my childhood, she made my adulthood a game of stratgey, of unrest and stress, now, in my retirement she has pulled out all the big guns. I will not allow her to steal my retirement from me, I have paid my dues, I have been a good daughter. My brother has also been a good son, but, he too, has had enough.
I am sorry about your turmoil, try and forgive your father and let him go. If you need to, write him a letter, say everything you want to say...and then...let go and continue to work on you.
This is your life, not a dress rehersal, consider each day to be a gift, and, remember you are special and deserve the very best that life has to offer!