Hi guys,
I had stopped Thursday, but had the most terrible night filled with anxiety of potential consequences of me skipping out of work early Thursday (I work online, so not so visible) and all consuming self-loathing. Friday I picked up things at work again but having to face that +200 email inbox, Skype, and phone again was one of the scariest things I have done. So, I decided to drink Friday again and sober up over the weekend where nobody is expecting anything from me.
So here I sit without any wine in the house and just waiting for a ready meal to finish cooking in the oven so I can have a sober dinner. Now I face the challenge of forgiving myself -- again. I want to be angry with myself. Scratch that, furious would be much better. I want to give myself a hard time. But what would the purpose be? Motivation? Or trying to alleviate the feeling of powerlessness? Or is it part of the underlying cause of my addiction -- an inability to accept myself because I don't think anyone can? I don't know. But I think it would be healthy to put myself out there, so I am doing this post.
My new sober date will be tomorrow. I can't say I am happy to tread on 9/11, but it is what it is. And at least, the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 is a very memorable date. Anyone want to join me?
Thank you for listening and all your patience and understanding!