Welcome to SR, Sunday. I remember getting to the place where you are right now. Drinking stopped being about fun and more about the guilt and the not-quite-there-yet desire to stop. The addict part of me didn't WANT to stop, and since that part "rewarded" me with fleeting good feelings, I went with that for quite a long time. I had more hangovers to live through before the desire to stop and to have a life free of alcohol was greater than my inner addict's voice.
Best to you and may you reach the place you need to be to want sobriety enough to get help and recover.