My dad died a few years ago. He'd quit drinking long before when I was 16 but he was a cold person and never showed love right up to the end. The reaction I had when he died threw me for a loop. I hated him until I went through therapy and then accepted what was. I don't think I was grieving the man but I was grieving what I never had. I really thought I'd dealt with all of that but I guess that hurt is so deep that we can move on but it will always be there.
About your depression, I have bipolar disorder and my suicide attempts were never about wanting to kill myself but about getting rid of the pain. GP's are useless with this stuff and many people with BP are diagnosed with depression/anxiety until they see a psychiatrist, that took 20 years for me. I'm not saying you're bp but that if you've struggled with depression long before your dad died I would recommend getting an assessment by a psychiatrist. If you're suicidal go to the ER.
