Originally Posted by
Threshold 
As I answer the Step Three questions in my journal, look up definitions and think about "God", I am experiencing panic, racing heartbeat, and a sick stomach. Wow! I am shocked at how deeply I am reacting to simply facing the idea of "God" or a Higher Power. I didn't realize I had such deep issues of fear and resentment around this concept.
I've always considered myself a spiritual person, so this is knocking me for a loop that simply thinking about the concept is so very stressful to me. When I first got into recovery, my first sponsor led me the way she'd been led, and boom boom boom, I was through the first three steps. This time, I am delving deeper, I've been clean longer, and am capable of a deeper level of honesty. I am shocked at what I am discovering about myself and my feelings and ideas. I am shocked at the depth of self will and how terrified I am of letting go of my perceived control of things, even though intellectually, I know I am NOT in control.
I am willing to be willing...but I am not yet willing. sigh
I am facing step 3 and I too, had gone thru the steps in the past up to step 9, and 3 was glossed over. I was not brought up going to church and really didn't thave any concept of God thrown at me. My ex mother in laws have been very Godly women however, and i remember shuddering every time they began preaching religion at me. My sponsor really digs deeper into step 3 and i am amazed that i am having so much trouble with it. She wants me to develop an idea of exactly what my God looks like that I have been praying to, and I have no earthly idea how to answer that. I know the BB says that we can have a God of our own understanding, but what if we desperately want it to be the God from the bible, but have a hard time with really believing that Jesus rose from his grave after 3 days?
Aside from the insanity of the addictive mind, i actually am finding out that i have a very logical mind and that just cuz i desperately believe something doesnt mean im going to honestly believe it from the bottom of my heart. Has anyone else had this problem?