The thing I have learned through Al-anon is that when there is addiction in a relationship - personal sense of responsibility gets all ****-whacky. The addict seems to shift towards limited or no sense of responsibility. My AH rarely takes responsibility for things he says/does that are hurtful, disrespectful, etc. He can't be relied on for even the most basic of chores... because his primary motive is drinking. Why? Because he's an alcoholic.
The interesting thing that happens on the other side of relationship is an over-exagerated sense of responsibility. Because nothing was getting done, I had to pick up the slack. I took over everything, and ran myself right into the ground doing my chores and AHs. I became emotionally hyper-sensitive and felt like it was my job to make everything perfect and everyone happy... and if for some reason those things didn't happen, I felt immense guilt/pain. So I ended up apologizing... a lot. And it began to mean NOTHING to them, and me. I said it and it didn't make them or me feel any better about the situation... probably because I shouldn't have said it... because it wasn't my problem to begin with!!
As I detach and put problems back on their rightful owner, I have noticed a tremendous effort on my AH's part to throw them back at me. A lot of blame-shifting happening because the guilt he feels - is more than he wants. Tough ****, I say. I carried that crap around for too many years, and I'm done.
Detachment is so critical when dealing with the unacceptable A behavior. I have to remind myself constantly that it's not about me, don't respond, walk away if I have to, etc. I HAVE to leave him alone so that I no longer actively participate in his disease. It's hard. I still have work to do... but I'm definetely getting better/stronger one day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon