Hi, Lulu, and welcome. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that when my Dad will die, I will grieve the loss of opportunity, the loss of dreams I had for him to get better and finally be the father I wished he had been. Even though I think I've accepted that he has a disease and I have to move on with my life, there is still a part of me, a little girl inside, who still wishes.
I'm guessing that little girl inside of you is still grieving, and it hurts. When my Mom died I felt like an orphan, like a 4 year old on my own in the world. Even though I was in my 40's and grown up, for a little while I hurt and felt scared. I guess that's normal to feel that way.
Sometimes I'd hear a song that would remind me of her and I'd start crying, even in the grocery store. For a year after she died I went to the thrift store a couple of times a week, shopping. Didn't spend much money but still bought stuff I didn't actually need. I calmed down after a year but looking back on it I think I probably should have been involved in a grief group or counseling or something during that time. I kind of medicated by shopping and tried to do it in a way that didn't harm our finances or anything but still it wasn't the best way I could have handled my grief and anxiety.
You are lots smarter than me because you are coming here and reaching out. That's a great thing to do to take care of yourself!
I know it's hard to do though because I'm a "lost child" and isolate, too. I hate being around other people pretty much because my anxiety gets the best of me. I have a lot of problems with fear. I can really identify with what you wrote, than you for writing here and for reaching out.
I know I didn't say anything helpful here, I guess I'm just rambling, but I wanted to say that I think I understand where you are coming from and I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out here and for sure things will get better with time. It doesn't hurt as much, once more time goes by.
Please be gentle with yourself during this tough time.