lulu1974

Hello friends...I usually post in the F and F blog but this topic is a rough one. My dad died in March at the age of 60. Suddenly and unexpectedley. My mom found him. Where to even begin about my feelings and emotions. I hated him all my life but I was maybe sad or shocked to know he died. It seemed he was trying to make amends towards the end of his life although not directly. He was just nicer and seemed to care but he was still drinking. I feel so lost. I feel confused about how I should even feel. My insomnia got worse then ever and then the panic attacks. I wished I was dead every night. Not suicidal because I prayed the pain would go away but if not my vote was I rather be dead. I have spoken to my doctor about this and take medication but medication has never helped me.
My dad was an abusive, violent, mean drunk and evetually it didnt matter if he was drunk, this was the person he was whether drunk or sober. He hurt my mom and me countless times. We didnt deserve it and what he did has tainted our lives forever. Just like that he had the power to scar us and he never really looked back or cared.
So why is it that since he died I feel like a part of me died. Actually I take that back. I don't really know how to feel. I wish he didnt die as he became more pleasant in his old age. I guess I wished we had more time to see how things panned out. I wish he never hurt us in so many ways and was a good father but that isnt realistic.
I am a part of alanon but divorced my ex A. Alanon helps. But I am not really a happy person and I isolate all the time. I always have. I hated working for this reason but I always have worked. Until now. I no longer work by mutual agreement with my old employer because they treated me like a servant and I told them I was not the hired help. I am finally doing what I always wanted to do....I am in the school fulltime! I want to finish my bachelors and was going part time but that was killing me. Now I am taking a break from working and finishing my bachelors..and that scares me to death. Any decision I make scares me. I hope this is the right one...

Thanks for listening to this. I wish it was clearer as to what I feel but I am no longer sure of what I feel.

Lulu