Eddie, you've written that eloquently. It describes my own relapses towards the end of my battle with booze brilliantly, much better than I could. The feeling of drinking just to obliterate consciousness was the only intention I had for drinking during the last of my struggle, as well as during the relapse I had since. In fact, those last few years of my drinking "fun" was never the motivation, it was simply to have the time pass by me without me being aware of it, and also to stop my blood from boiling or the jackhammers from sounding off inside my brain. Life seems so bloody hopeless for us sometimes that one almost can't blame a person for wanting respite from what seems like an aimless and torturous life.
What I do now when I feel like that, and I do still have those moments, I trust the process. I trust that it is a temporary condition, and that at the very least, my drinking on top of it will only exacerbate anything already abysmal. And low and behold, eventually these feelings are overcome and I feel better on the other side.
I did notice you mentioned that the steps require "divine" power. Perhaps that's a point you have been over emphasizing? I'm no AA scholar by any stretch, but it seems you are doing what I did once, putting too much weight on a definition of what
higher power means. When I finally gave up the fight I never considered my
higher power as anything divine. In my bottom, when I cried out for help I wasn't screaming at a dude with a white beard at all, I was letting it out towards everything, at existence, at the universe itself.
I've since come to believe that a higher power is - looking inwardly - as a
higher self, and - looking outwardly - some sort of universal energy that manifests on a level we can't comprehend, and really have no business trying to grasp.
I don't think the higher power question deserves as much controversy or struggle as it gets in this program. When I first gave it over to a higher power I simply came to understand that a) within me were no such tools or set of conditions to come to sobriety, and b) the world around me HAS higher power(s) that I certainly don't understand. Be it gravity, weather patterns, the actions of others, e.t.c... these are all powers greater than myself, things I cannot control nor truly comprehend beyond the obvious. So for me it's just a matter of trusting this
unknown, in that if I throw good things at it (good things being the steps), the unknown will eventually throw good things back at me. This has proven to be very true, at least in my sober life.
From my own experiences I know when I venture into the unknown without intent or direction, my experience with the unknown is usually bad. Example: if I give the world around me an oblivious, drunk, and depressed/hateful person, there's a good chance the world will give back a supernaturally bleak existence. But if I go out into the world practicing the surrender and humility one finds in the 12 steps I am almost guaranteed to have something good fall within my path, and being that I'm receptive, aware, and sober, I can usually spot that good thing and not pass it by. So when I venture to the unknown and into that higher power with direction and the intent of humility and openness, the unknown always sends back positivity in some form or another. It does work, and being that it's a case of a higher power at work, I have no idea truly how to explain it correctly beyond "trust the process".
So I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but I thought I'd offer it because I can very much relate to what you're going through. Keep trying Eddie, it honestly will get better.