My ism is enormous.
My ism is enormous
I am at the cross roads again. I went several months without a drink. I was not tempted to drink. I found life very difficult. I find being me almost impossible.
I went thru a depressive relapse about 2 months ago. I have dysthymic disorder too which leaves recovery from major depression very difficult.
I was at a place of no peace whatsoever this weekend and really wanted to get out of my head for at least a few hours. I did that. I did it 3 days on the trot. I went looking for booze yesterday morning and managed to pull myself out of the free fall.
The drinking this time was spiteful. There was nowhere for my ego to hide as I have full knowledge of why I drink. It is not for fun but to obliterate consciousness.
I went to a meeting at 6pm yesterday. I am going to one again at 1pm today. My sponsor knows how hard I am struggling. Last night I lay in bed, sick and anxious. My heart pounded at my chest. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I wanted to have one.
The reality is that I want to die sober. Being in that mental place in bed would be a grim end. But the thought of me, my isms and life over the next phase of my sobriety scares me to the very core of my being.
I feel trapped. I have to go on. I dont know how I am going to do it this time.
I struggled with step 3. I hand over and feel empty. I know that my will can only get me so far and this part of recovery is the most important step. I cant do steps 4 to 12 without feeling that there is a divine power helping me.
The one thing that I have learned this time is that I do not want to risk another binge. At least when I am depressed, or struggle with my isms or whatever else I feel when I am sober, it is a manageable thing. albiet barely.