Rift, I'm dealing with the same thing right now I think.
Im 10 months clean, have been going through the steps and i feel like im really getting further and further away from health. More and more depressed, I can't think straight. I sit with my sponsor and the only thing im thinking is "whats wrong with me" or about how bad my life sucks. It sounds like he understands what I am saying and going through, and even says he's been there, but I really doubt it.
Nothing people tell me sticks in my head, its like im not really there. I have no social life, in fact i have a social phobia which makes it hard to even goto meeting sometimes. Life is getting harder and harder to the point where i can't comprehend things i am reading or seeing on tv, and i can't talk to someone and relate what they are saying to me to make a statement back to them.. I cant have a conversation, im just not able to do it. It sucks, im 29 next month and i feel and see life all around and i dont feel like im a part of it. I get so confused with step work that it becomes meaningless. I sit down to do a nightly review and ill sit there for 30 min and come up with nothing.
Im so tired of going to meetings and faking like i feel good or i know whats going on, and how grateful i am.. Its killing me mentally. Guys at my homegroup are calling me and i can't even answer the phone because i can't think straight enough to talk to them. I don't know what to do, Im getting really scared. I tried to get a Psych appointment and it takes months.
your not the only one man.. I feel like i pray and pray, i meditate and read the big book everyday, and nothing is happening. Im still full of fear, not in control of my emotional nature, unhappy, useless, worthless, prey to misery and depression. My mind just wont stop trying to find a way out of this, from the minute i open my eyes in the morning to closing them at night. I wonder all the time if this is what people i hear at meetings went through, because it kind of sounds the same, but i really doubt this is just untreated alcoholism. anyone have advise?