BecomingMe

So I have had basically no contact with exAH since mid July when he moved far away (after I insisted he move out and things actually got worse when he lived nearby and came only to visit our 3 yr old). He is living with his mom and step dad with the intention of moving again next month at the promise of a job in another city. I went NC because he got increasingly crazy and as my earlier posts chronicled, I had been codependent and quite blind to just how crazy and how nuts I was to put up with it. Anyhow, I told him there was no discussing our relationship while he was still drinking and I didn't want to talk to him at all anyway. Slowly I let him have some phone contact with our son, since he had respected my boundaries and had limited himself to letters to the boy as I suggested.

I've been wondering about talking to him after hearing from his mom that he has been to regular meetings, has a counselor and is on meds (possibly just antabuse, possibly antidepressants too). I feel an obligation to tell him that I think we are beyond reconciliation (I think he still believes there is a chance for us). Maybe I am letting myself be reeled in by his mom's words (she felt the need to mention to me that he is "trying to be strong but he really misses his son."

I've been trying very hard to be mindful of my own thoughts and to think hard about why I want to contact him. Sometimes I suspect I want to prove to myself that it's all BS and he's still the same quacking A he has been for the past 4 years. It's strange, I mean, I want him to get well and find some happiness but after finally being able to appreciate how ugly his behaviour had become and how blind I had been, I guess I am less able to allow myself to fantasize about happy endings. Do I secretly want him to fail to prove to myself that I was right to end it? Am I right that I owe it to him in the name of his own recovery to be honest about how I see our relationship? I know I am not being noble, but could I possibly be so cynical and bitter? I've really been working hard at getting my life together and figuring out how to get my career in order so I can be a stable (emotional and financial) provider to my son, and although it is hard work I am feeling much more like myself and at peace than I have since before he was born.

Maybe I am not trusting of my own detachment yet. I'd appreciate any feedback on the idea of breaking NC when it is possible that the A is truly getting help. The lines between what I owe to myself and what I owe to him are suddenly as blurry as ever!