I won't repeat my story in great length, but I have been together my RAH for over 15 years (married 11 years). He has been sober for a year and half. Since embracing recovery, he has been responsible and accountable most of the time. I can count on him. He has followed through on his responsibilities and has been doing his part to be a father & partner. On the rare occasion that he doesn't follow through or makes a minor error, he does apologize. Last week he even said to me, "I have put you through a lot." It was a rare & sincere acknowledgement that I very much appreciated. He has his "dry drunk" moments every so often in which I try and practice detachment as to not be too affected.
The other day, he met me (& our daughter) at our daughter's school to take her to her extracurricular activity. We met at her school because I was going to attend a PTA meeting there and he was going to take her to her activity. We divided the tasks so at least one of us could go to the PTA meeting and one of us could tend to our child's activity. All went well. He showed up on time, took her there and dropped her off. After the PTA meeting, I went to pick our daughter up to bring her home.
At the place where I went to pick our daughter up, the studio office assistant, saw me and said, "Oh, I need to talk to you. Can you stop by the front desk before you leave?" Panic started to set in. The very first thing that crossed my mind was my RAH. Did he do something inappropriate? Could he have relapsed? Did he not show up? Did he show up wasted? Did he do something embarrassing? My mind was racing. My heart was pounding. I could feel my body chemistry changing. I started saying the serenity prayer over and over. . .
I was in major heart-pounding freak-out mode. My RAH has been responsible and accountable for a year and a half, proving to me & our daughter over and over again that he is serious about his recovery and here I was thinking, "Oh no, he's at it again!" When the office staffperson want to talk to me, the very first thing that comes to my mind is "What has my RAH done?" The truth is *he* didn't relapse. *I* relapsed!
It turned out my daughter's skill level was not yet appropriate for the class she was scheduled for and we needed to change her to a less advanced class. Luckily, I didn't call him on the phone to start checking up on him or interrogating him. Instead, I said the serenity prayer over and over again. I asked my Higher Powers to just take these feelings of fear from me. Yet, the truth is, I still panicked and started assuming "What has he done now?" I felt scared, embarrassed, shameful, worried, and all the emotions I used to feel when I would learn during my RAH's active alcoholism days when he'd show up to places under the influence.
When I got home, I didn't tell him what happened or how I panicked. I just felt crappy and ashamed. I need to go to Alanon and really work my own program. I have been so trained to expect, react and respond to "alcoholic crisis" situations (I am also as an ACOA) so I find them/expect them even when none exists! That's how I had lived for most/all of my life.
I am *really* starting to understand in a deeper way the importance of putting the focus on me. I *really* need Alanon more than ever before. When my RAH was actively in his addictions, I honestly did not want anything to do with Alanon. Now that he is sober, it is crystal clear how much work I truly need to do!
