AXBF contacted me this week and said that he has stayed sober except for one occasion since we broke up two months ago. He sounded very positive except that he has a hellish commute to his new job because he doesn't have his driver's license back and the public transportation he takes makes for a long and exhausting commute. He invited me out to dinner tonight and we were excited to have a nice time. I still care about him and I was looking forward to enjoying his (sober) company. He had only relapsed once in 4 months so I felt pretty good about seeing him. Not anxious, not overinvolved, just happy.
At 6 p.m. tonight, he called me drunk from his brother's house and said he was drunk and couldn't take me out to dinner tonight. He said he is so stressed out about his commute and relapsed again, and that he is falling apart physically from exhaustion. Of course, the reason he doesn't have a driver's license is because of his 2 DUI offenses. I said I was sorry we couldn't get together and sorry that he is feeling badly. I was caring and empathetic on the phone but did not get riled up.
I guess I should have known that things would turn out this way. I'm sad, but the weird thing is, I am doing so much better. Two months ago, I would have completely fallen apart from the grief, stepped into the helping role, and been a mess of anxiety and worry over him.
In the past two months since we've been apart, I went on an antidepressant, started AlAnon, joined my local gym, been going to yoga classes too, and started studying meditation. I've been seeing friends, having nice conversations with new people at parties and events, and doing volunteer work for a local mental health organization and for my younger daughter's school. I've been learning how to make smoothies, which are a great way of getting in those fruits and veggies! it's amazing with smoothies how much of your daily fruits and veggies you can get in without a lot of work. No cooking involved!
I got a pedicure yesterday and colored my hair this week, and have been taking the time to put together nice outfits every day to feel good about myself.
I feel sad for my AXBF but it's stunning to realize how focusing on myself and detaching with love really does work. I hope the best for him, but I feel much less affected by his roller coaster of depression, anxiety, and relapsing. Since we've been apart for two months, and since we had such nice talks this week and fun plans for this evening, I realize that I am NOT the reason he chose to drink today. It's such a relief to have my own life back and care about him from a distance without feeling like my own life is unraveling because of his choices.
Thanks for reading.
I hope that my recovery continues to go well, and I hope that all of you on this board are finding ways to care about yourself and be free from the pain of loving an alcoholic. It really is hard, but my recovery really is working. That is a good feeling.