Nooooooo contact
Working hard not to contact. There are things I want to say, I just started writing them in a letter (to NOT send)...
I keep stopping to think screw it, I might as well just text him.
I'm amazingly still learning things through this process, like he represents parts of me that I can relate to but never accepted in myself.
My mom compulsively tried to make me less creative, growing up she yelled at me for being "weird". My A is creative, most of you know thats how we met. I went out last night with some amazing creative ladies.
I had a blast! But I am really struggling lately to not just get a little nibble.
I just want to "be myself" as with him, I feel like everything is out on the table.
Uh I know this is stupid. Im not worried about not having a man or finding someone. It's like bigger than that. I know that I am having a hard time because as most codies feel, I feel like I'm cutting off part of myself.
There are just things I want to share with him. Places I saw last night that I know he'd like etc.
In a perfect world, these drugs don't have a hold on this person. My little stint led me to see him not using meth or crack but mostly just Ketamine...So comparatively he was less moody and
Crazed.
God I screwed myself so bad. I went from an objective phone call to get one whiff of him...and now I'm like begging crackhead.
Please tell me you're ready today.
I hate that he was really sweet. I do know how the dance goes. I wish I was over this. I just wish I could say but you're my best friend! Were supposed to be in this together, lol. What the heck get out of the darkness please before. Your brain is 100% nonrepairable.
I miss you my friend. I miss you so much. But all I can do is cry and keep going forward...