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Am trying to post something, after 2-3 days of poring through old posts and stickies. I probably have it "better" than some here, since my issue is a newish relationship and not a marriage of many years.
It does not stop the hurting.
I have been with my alcoholic bf for a few months. Both of us are in our 60s, so on some level, it seemed like "let's enjoy what we can, since who knows how long we get to enjoy it". Shortly after we started seeing each other, I became aware of his history which was drugs (many years back) and today, beer. At first, he declared that I was worth the effort it might take to cut way back and maybe even quit. I drink occasionally, like a glass or two of wine with dinner. I supposed he really tried for a few weeks, but it was clear that it was a real struggle. In the meantime, I pushed aside my fears, and wanted to trust the possibility of his really loving ME and a future for us both. My bad.
So..here I am. Needless to say, it reached the couple of times on a weekend where he went from a couple of drinks to too many. And when THAT happened, I ceased to exist. He was in his own world and focused only on his thinking and talking. When I got upset at this behavior...I was the bad guy. And of course, he had NO IDEA why anyone would be mad at him.
And the punishment for standing up for myself...was to ignore me for the rest of the weekend. It happened again last weekend, only that time, it involved his ex (who is 10 times the alcoholic he is) who came by, to cry on his shoulder, and (of course) share an evening of unlimited drinking, on his dime..and ruining the evening that I thought WE had planned for each other.
I tried being civil. It was 3 solid hours of them reminiscing about "old times". Except, the old times was all about booze, drugs, people getting arrested for intoxication, sharing booze/pot with teenagers (and seeing nothing wrong with that!!). Falling down on the floor at a supermarket.. peeing in the pharmacy drive through because she could not "make it" to the store bathroom. Being homeless and sleeping under a bridge.
That does not include her taking over HIS kitchen, to cook dinner for him (food that I had bought and was willing to share). And it was clear that, among all of it, she could care less if she caused problems for us, and destroyed our relationship...so she could hit on him.
He was completely oblivious to all of it. The best he did at one point..was to tell me I COULD TURN ON THE TV.
I didn't make a scene. I simply decided I couldn't take any more and left.
We had plans for the next day. He didn't call. I was back on the blame list for what he later told me, I left for "some stupid reason". That was during the 5 minutes he gave me, after I called and asked him to come up to my apt.
Other than those 5 minutes..I have been totally ignored. He told me he would call. Hasn't done that. No effort to talk it out.
I've tried to not loose my mind totally, but it is hard. I CHOSE to love him, CHOSE to think we had something worth working for. CHOSE to believe that he really cared about me.
After reading for hours, I think I know the answer. I don't think I deserve being dumped like this. It seems (to me) that admitting how badly he hurt me, would rip off the cover of denial that the drinking doesn't hurt anyone, and he is "always the good guy". It rips me in two, that I thought he meant what he told me...and maybe, on some level, he DID mean it.
I NEED HELP TO SORT THROUGH IT ALL, AND SURVIVE, AND YOU ALL ARE MY ONLY HOPE.