Thank you to all of you who responded. And it was incredibly thoughtless of me to leave dads out; a very sincere thank you to the dads who shared and reminded me that both moms and/or dads' drinking has a hellish impact.
I knew when I posted that I would need to be ready and open for the reality check, and that is what I got and what I need. I know I already don't remember a lot, that it's daddy she goes to, or who responds, when there's a need in the middle of the night, and that I would never entrust her care (even to put her to bed) to a friend or family member that was as drunk as I usually am.
I hate that I am unpredictable. I wonder what goes through her little mind when we cuddle and I imagine that she will be overcome by the fumes and vapor coming from my breath and seeping out of my pores. I know there must be an association for her with the smell of alcohol. What is it?
Many of you discussed the short-term vs. the long-term. I know kids are resilient to some degree - with extra support from her wonderful dad and grandparents, and anyone else we need to involve, we all will reap the benefits of my sobriety.
I want to start today but I am so afraid of another five day sober stint, where I start to drink again just to act "normal" at work and home. And benzodiazepine addiction just complicates matters, at least in my mind. These may sound like excuses to many, and I hope to look back and think they were, but they are so real to me right now.
Sloane