Suecat - If it's any comfort, I behaved much the way you have been just before I quit for good. I knew it was coming - I had 3 dui's and countless other issues. It was becoming dangerous to continue the way I was. I'm now 3 yrs. 8 mos. sober after being a lifelong drinker who could never imagine life without it.
I was terrified to find out what it would be like without my crutch, my buffer. Yet I knew my life was threatened every time I picked up. I had to admit that drinking was no longer fun, exciting, or relaxing the way it once was. It brought me nothing but pain and uncertainty.
After I joined SR and saw how many people made it out of hell & were actually happy about it - I decided it was time to try & rejoin the human race. It's such a relief to be free of it. Please give yourself a chance to experience life the way it was meant to be. It would have to be an imporvement over what you have now. We know you can do this!