I have been in AA since March of this year. As I've posted before (forgive me if I'm repeating myself to any of you)... I hit a bottom after a dreadful breakup last year. The relationship involved a lot of drinking- my ex and I both-and I turned out to be the dump-ee. The ex carried on with the woman she'd started to see while we were still together. They remain together, and in our small city/community I hear and see a lot about them, which is pretty horrible. So the betrayal, lying, drinking, etc led to a MAJOR depression for me. I found myself in a terrifying place where I seriously considered suicide, and committed myself to a psych ward. I left the house we had shared, and fortunately have an incredibly loving family who took me in for some months. They were scary months of increasingly horrible depression and a basic stoppage of any and all healthy activity. I don't think I left the house for days at a time. On a positive note, I didn't drink at all for about a month. But I did end up picking up again, and before too long was right back to my heavy, regular binge habit. The ex floated back into the picture- betraying her current girlfriend to sleep with me once again- (of course we were both trashed)... and then kick me to the proverbial curb again. I made my way into my own apartment, living alone for the first time in a long while... and back to work, but with a few scary incidents along the way while drinking. Including several, dozens to be honest, blackouts where I really don't know where I was or with whom. I started going to meetings and slowly but surely sharing. But still I continue to drink. Entered rehab after work, with an amazing therapist and group, but yes, STILL drinking, mostly heavily to blackout, and missed work, etcetc. I've been totally unsuccessful in accumulating any number of days in a row sober. I think 12 was the most I've had. And of course repeated the destructive/dangerous behavior in the process. I've decided to quit rehab after work for now because I am so tired of having to report each time that I drink, well really I am tired of the shame to be perfectly honest. There are no good excuses that I drink, as we all know it's 'everything and nothing'. I've searched a lot for comfort through all this from old friends and habits. The bottle is clearly both of these things at once! My next logical step is inpatient therapy but I'm really scared to ask my boss for the time off. And frankly probably embarassed to do so...
I ask you all for some guidance and support, I feel so discouraged, and despite the LONG list of negative effects/consequences of drinking, I continue, and don't know what's going to stop me, short of something deadly. I will close by saying that I want to kick this addiction square in the b**ls!
but clearly not enough to commit to sobriety...
Thank you all for any input you have, stay strong...
-Suecat