am i sick to think that maybe if he hits me i could easily call that the last straw?
i had that kind of thinking too. If he cheated on me, then i would walk away guilt free. Until he cheated on me, and then managed to twist if around so it was my fault he needed another woman. How if I had been better, this wouldn't have happened. I began to see how maybe I wasn't as good of a wife as i thought I was and maybe it was my fault and ended up asking him to forgive me for failing him.
I also thought - if he hit me, that is certainly something I wouldn't tolerate. And then he shoved me and tried to wrestle me to the floor, and I justified it because it wasn't "hitting" and he was sorry and he was going to do things differently.
Don't wait for it to get that bad. I've lost so much respect for him, but worse, I've lost so much respect for myself.