YellowBirdy

I know logically I did NOT cause my husband's alcoholism, but I do believe in some way I AM responsible and I MUST HAVE driven him to drink -- I caused him to be in emotional pain in our marriage and he used alcohol to escape that pain. I take responsibility for some parts of our relationship that were not healthy. I was raised in a family where communication was lacking in that my mom let her anger control her and there was a lot of verbal abuse. AH grew up in a family where feelings were typically suppressed and no one talked about them. I think our families were extreme opposites. I do not know if anyone in his family lineage was an alcoholic.

AH's drinking began way before I was even with him -- I knew him while he was in his relationship prior to ours and remember hearing stories about how drunk he'd get. His drinking continued on while we were dating but after nearly breaking up at one point, he said he'd curb it, and he did for a while). I feel so guilty though because of the onset of an illness almost immediately following our marriage, I became one unhappy person and admit I was not myself and prone to taking it out on him with my anger. Not all of the time, but a large part of the time. He also told me on more than one occasion "I destroyed him" because we went for quite long stretches of time without being intimate and prior to marriage/illness, everything was fantastic in this area. But I did not feel well (and I know my illness was a lot for him to handle) and I was not attracted to the ugly part of him that drank, so I was rarely "in the mood." Looking back, I totally regret it now. But I did realize I needed help with my own issues (I'd gone to counseling to deal with issues with my mother previously, but believe they resurfaced during this time as a defense mechanism about AH's alcoholism). I didn't like who I'd become, and that is when I sought out individual counseling and began going religiously. Every week, for over a year now. I also fought for our marriage, found us a good maritial counselor who we both liked, to which AH agreed to going to every week. But AH also stood me up for several sessions, possibly due to drunkenness. During this period of time, I believe he did "quit" drinking for a short while, but he always went back. Intimacy issues prevailed during this time because my trust issues with him deepened, (and we actually never got back on track in this area for the duration of our marriage, and again I feel guilty about this because I feel it is largely my fault. If I hadn't become ill...) but we were working toward regaining trust with the goal of re-developing an intimate relationship through counseling. However, AH never really put into practice what we learned there. AH always denied any drinking to both myself and the counselor. When I called last week to cancel our appointment due to having a restraining order, counselor said he demands sobriety and he will be available to us if we ever want to come back and if AH can do so under that condition.

Why am I posting all of this, you are asking yourself? Because I am a terrible mess. I was asked by a well-meaning relative just today why I didn't file for divorce, why I am filing just for a legal separation from AH. And how will I feel when in 4 months I see him with a girlfriend. (You can read more at my other posting about how I decided to separate from him.) I lost it...I cannot imagine him with someone else, it breaks my heart! The answer is because I still have a tiny amount of hope...that he will get help. That we can each address our individual issues. That we can be the couple I know we were meant to be. I know our relationship sounds horrible, but it was GOOD at one time. I know I am a fool. But I really, truly can hardly stand to deal with this pain. I have lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks and am hardly sleeping. And I thought I was strong. He had a DUI at the beginning of this year and another accident in June, (not sure if it was alcohol related) and I know logically that I would likely feel worse if he drives drunk and injures/kills someone and then I am homeless and bankrupt because our house was taken from us as was all our savings for restitution to the injured/dead individual's family.

He has 120 days (now less) to utilize really good insurance to get help and start recovering. (He is on my insurance plan and is currently jobless.) I am continuing therapy and going to Al-Anon. I know it won't make a bit of difference to him and as much as I want it to, nothing will change until he wants it to, and he will just continue to blame me for everything. That's what makes it so hard...because I AM partly to blame, in this. I was one half of a marriage that had serious problems. But I thought we were doing all the right things to get help. He was the one I wanted to grow old with and I am having a hard time letting that go.

Thanks for "listening". I am one hot mess right now.