I know logically I did NOT cause my husband's alcoholism, but I do believe I must have driven him to drink
Nope. Simple as that. You can't control his drinking and you can't control his not drinking and you can't control him. He will do what he chooses to do. You can't make him choose to drink.
All you can control are how YOU choose to react to what life is handing you at this moment. That's it. In the whole wide universe the only thing you can control is how you choose to react and your attitudes.
Sounds scary but actually it's pretty freeing. Once you give up the illusion of control you can now put down all that irresponsibility that you chose to assume because it really isn't yours. You aren't responsible for anything anyone anywhere chooses to do.
Please consider going to some Al-Anon meetings. They can help you deal with issues like this.
Codependents Anonymous Step 1:
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Al-Anon and AA Step 1:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
It's not your fault.
Your friend,