breakingglass

it dawned on me that maybe if my AH quit drinking all together i might just not want to be with him anymore anyway. right now i know i dont' want to be with him. i dont want to sleep with him, go out with him, be his wife. but would i feel any different if he stopped drinking? right now i just want out and i dont' even want to think about coming back.

i have been in such denial about my wellfare. i'm not strong like i want everyone to think....even eveyone on here. i'm scared and sad and angry. i'm wasting precious moments of my life with him waiting for some big change; a change i'm almost positive will never come. but just how am i suppose to just get up and leave? i keep looking for every excuse to but i'm not coming up with one good enough. am i sick to think that maybe if he hits me i could easily call that the last straw?

also, my sister is moving away and i'm heartbroken over that. i will not have her to run to when things get rough in the house. everything is such a mess and i'm a mess too. i dont want to go to any group meetings. i am just not into that sort of thing. maybe a theropist but where do i find one? what kind do i look for.

i am so sorry to anyone on here that i may have crossed the line with. i just hated to admit that i am weak and that maybe i'm even a little bit too lazy to start the ball rolling. its all so overwhelming.....how could i let another human being totally screw up my life??? i was never like this..... i would have kicked the jerk to the curb and called it a day. maybe i'ts because i'm older and just too sick and tired up uprooting myself for someone else! maybe i just have a big problem picking the right person to share my life with.