Hi lostmywings and welcome to SR,
Firstly, I just wanted to say that unfortunately we have many new members who come to SR and 'cover old ground' and its nothing that you should feel sorry for. We all have stories very similar to yours but you have found a great place to share and to read others SH&E strength hope & experience - we can relate, we can empathize because we know what you are going through as we have been there.
You are coming out of denial after 3 years together, it took me 23yrs! I found Al-anon, SR and therapy and I have learnt to feel better about myself, and to know deep down that I am important, my life is important, my health is important and I deserved so much more from a marriage than I had been putting up with. My best friend kept telling me that life was too short, we all know that saying but I personally didnt live by it.
I brought up two daughters who are still both coming to terms with their dads alcoholism, behaviors and their mums ups and downs and the roller coaster upbringing. This was a loving family most of the time and we enjoyed nice holidays and they were well looked after but it was also overshadowed by 'episodes' caused by dads drinking where mum and dad would argue, dad would drink more, mum would move into the spare bedroom, dad would leave, mum would forgive dad and dad would move back home. Both adult daughters (20/23) are having counseling and the youngest who was bullied by her dad has plenty of issues!
Please look into Al-anon and maybe some therapy for yourself, preferably with someone who has alcoholism experience because this makes all the difference. We all strive for feeling peaceful (its another word that I cant think of right now (just thought of it - serenity)) which is very difficult to feel when you are living with an active drinker. Al-anon will help tremendously and was my lifesaver.
Through having 18 months of therapy/al-anon etc I have finally left a verbally abusive, alcoholic husband. My husband started verbally abusing me within the first couple of years of our marriage and I used to excuse it and blame it on the beer. I learnt through therapy to say 'stop' ' I do not have to listen to that' and it stopped 23 yrs later!
It wasn't an easy decision but I finally came to believe that I was doing the right thing for me. This is the first time I have lived on my own in all my life (45yrs) Sometimes just staying living with an alcoholic is like enabling their drinking. They just dont reach their rock bottom if they have someone who will continue to keep their status.
My AH of 23yrs had 2 months of living on his own and is telling me now that he has reached his rock bottom. He is in therapy, on SR, reading books and has been sober for almost 4 weeks. Its early days but he seems genuine in his reasoning's and belief that he will have to stay sober for the rest of his life and is working hard towards that. We still live separately for now, whilst he keeps working on his own recovery in his own way. Only time will tell how successful he will be and I continue with my therapy to make sure that I dont slip backwards and keep protecting myself, my health and my well-being.
Thats some of my SH&E. Keep reading and welcome once again.