"I got a lawyer and he said that I get the house and the dog, you get everything else. The paperwork is on its way."
...Really the lawyer said that? it was a Sunday. Lawyers usually don't work on Sunday, and you did all this without even any money or a consultation in a matter of ten minutes while drinking… Surrre!
Quack… Quack… Quack.
“I got food poisoning from that burger last night, and that’s why I’m sick.”
…Hmmm….The alcohol had nothing to do with it.