New in sobriety - again
okay, so today i am not yet sober. i just poured out the alcohol. i actually did not have intentions of sobering up because i did not think i was the problem, until i opened my cupboard tonight and saw actually how much vodka i had burnt thru. i just poured everything out but am so ******* scared. SCARED. i am going thru a bad breakup and its been the only thing keeping well sane. (lol) i was in AA for 12+ years mostly for crystal meth use. i really did not think i was an alcoholic. then i entered a lovely but chaos filled relationship with another alcoholic and i quickly learned that i two whether i want to admit it or not (why is it so ******* hard?) that i too am a really bad alcoholic. i don't want to re-enter the rooms of AA because of all the 13 steppers and chickenhawks. so i am going to seek help online. i know the ****, the steps, the mantras, the words. but i always always applied them to meth. i am truly new to claiming myself as a real alcoholic. i need help. i cannot deal with feelings, emotions or life. i get stressed, i take a shot. that my friends is my solution. i feel i am really ready to see what sobriety is like, but can it be obtained online? my new sobriety date would have to be tomorrow 8/28, because yes, i poured out the alcy, but i of course had to take a shot prior. i know the steps, have sponsored, etc. how do you do this with humbleness? online only? how the hell do you deal with feelings and emotions? YUCK! (lol) sorry for the brain dump, just completely lost mostly due to the breakup and i need to get sober and i dont know how without alcohol. thanks much for reading/listening.
chaosbutterfly.