I do lock up a little less but even now I often do like you said, a free fall, and I have to stop. For me it like feeling a total loss of control...like I never made choice one in my life. It was a series of reactions to events that had very little to do with me.
I could read one chapter or one sentence and it would take what seemed like forever to process it. And then there are times when I could look at things with distance. My 4th step did alot to reveal why I am the way I am. I have done several, one was a life story. Another was exploring the significant relationships in my life. When these things are written down the commonalities jump off the page. Then there is anger and then there is forgiveness.
I believe the right time comes for all of it...when one thing gets in line another starts waving like mad to get my attention. It should be a gentle process...not forced.
Hugs,
JT