Originally Posted by
Sisterella 
I do know that somewhere deep down she loves me. I KNOW that. Yet part of me can't help think that if she REALLY loved me she wouldn't do this to herself. And if that she knows that, and still continues to destroy her life, then everytime she tells me she loves me she's actually lying to me and to herself.
When I was wondering the same about the XABF I realized, perhaps he just feels so badly about himself, his opinion of himself is so low (he knows what he is doing) that he doesn't realize how much others truly care.
This was my same case during my worst codependency years, I knew family loved me but I just didn't feel it that much, had a barrier of hurting and resentment built around my heart. To me it was all the same, the world was going to be the same with me or without me. It was all about my zero self esteem. When I said I loved others .. it may have appeared as a lie .. but it was all I could feel or do at the moment..all I knew. Well, this helps me not take personally XABF's actions. Now it finally sank in, they were never really about me.
There are alanon online forums...
Online Al-Anon Outreach
There are many others..