Hi NVR!
Yes, GO YOU! YOU GO GIRL! (I hate that phrase!)(Ha!)
It's almost aggravating to KNOW you could go get pills if you REALLY wanted to. Lordy, lordy, do I know that feeling. My last pain doc who THOUGHT I was tapering, gave me carte blanche to have "emergency" oxycodone lying around, for "those weekends" when I just want to sit through a movie without pain. HIS WORDS. His suggestion was that I just go off oxys for 3 months and then come back to him and get my emergency supply. Geez.
Do you know what I would DO with an emergency supply? Lordy, I would be back at daily oxycodone within a week. I know myself by now, wouldn't ya think? And yet I know in the back of my head that I ALWAYS have this doctor who would take me back in a flash and supply me with oxys in a heartbeat.
I almost wish I had gotten them illegally. Maybe not. I don't have dealers calling me to tempt me. I just have ME inside my own head, knowing what I could do if I wanted to. Of course, with that would probably come a divorce if my husband caught me -- and how could he NOT catch me, he can tell when I am using, even though I thought I was hiding it "real good". Plus, I would shift back into a totally abnormal routine of daybreak wakening, cold sick sweats, grasping for my pills in the dark, sitting sipping coffee while waiting for the drug to take effect.
Lordy, can I make my own triggers or what? I remember I ALMOST enjoyed that brief moment of feeling sick in the morning because of the sudden contrast of feeling the oxys flooding into my bloodstream. Except when NO oxys were available, at least at the dose I wanted because I had run myself dry as usual, that sick feeling would NOT go away all day long. Sick sick sick.
So, my dear. Whenever you feel temptation creeping up on you, think back hard on what made you stop. That sickness, that awfulness, of oxy addiction. We do tend to remember the "good" stuff and not the bad so much.
Don't forget. I can see that you are not.
FT