long addendum
Ah. So I'm coming back to this - 4 months later - because I did NOT set boundaries with my parents.
There are deep-seated parenting choices that they made, and are still trying to make, that did not help me. Especially the part where they question my reality. I spoke with both of them today, and they asked how things were going with my xABF.
My mom suggested (and I wish I could remember the actual insidious words she used) that my perspective was inaccurate or skewed.
Then when she could tell from my tone of voice that I was getting frustrated, wanted to change the subject.
I said no. I don't want to change the subject. My perspective is not skewed. Anyone who knows T. and has been to his house knows that he's an alcoholic and a hoarder and doesn't trust teenagers. And yes, in January, I was deeply in love with him - he'd been on court-ordered abstinence. By March, he was back to binge drinking 3, 4, 5 nights a week. Just because I loved him, and still love him, doesn't mean that I am willing to live with him.
No, my world is not black and white. Love is messy. No, I don't think that inviting him to counseling is a good idea - I've suggested it, multiple times, and he's just not interested. It's not up to me to force the issue, nor do I think that someone can or should change their value system to accommodate a partnership.
Basically, and again, she is running off at the mouth with backhanded judgmental crap based on not enough information, combined with concern that has no compassion.
So what's my problem? That I still listen to her out of a sense of obligation? I suppose. She's nuts. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even like me.
I am done sharing with my mother. It's going to be the Hallmark postcard edition of my life from now on. If she asks for more information, I'll change the subject. If she gives her opinion, I'll say goodbye. I will not visit her - she's TOXIC!
Oh, and let's add in DAD, too! "Perhaps you're mistaken about T." No, no I'm not mistaken, either about the deleterious effects of his alcoholism on our relationship, or on how I feel about it. When I said 'you're hurting my feelings', he first denied he'd said that, then changed to 'just trying to play devil's advocate'. He's trying to tell me that he know me better than I know myself! My past relationship mistakes were errors in character judgement. There's nothing wrong with T's character - it's the f*ing ALCOHOLISM that did me in.
They have no trust in my ability to be an adult, or even a person. They are BAD PARENTS. I am a GOOD PARENT - I called all my kids to tell them how proud I am of them, and how much faith I have in them to make good decisions based on their solid values.
I called my xABF too, to thank him for being as willing as he is to go forward with love. He doesn't think he's an alcoholic, but I expected that from him.
Boundaries with my parents: I don't need to justify my decisions. "We're fine. Thank you for your concern. I am continuing doing what is best for me and the kids." And then change the subject.
Thank you all again. My parents have NO idea about alcoholism. And they're whacked.
I don't suppose there's an 85-year-old couple that wants to adopt me? No? Darn.
- Sylvie, better luck next time.