rorty

[originally posted in relationships]

Hi,
I am so thankful I found this forum. Finally, a place to read and write and understand alcoholism just a little better.

> My girlfriend is graduating from her out-patient program this week. It has been an extremely difficult experience for all of us. She is only at the tip of the iceberg. I have read (on this forum) that I can expect her to be a combination of powerful emotions which I can only attempt to summarize as "fragile."

Although I attempt to "be there" for her I cannot possibly feel or know what she is going through. I try not to let her mood swings affect me and I try to stay solid for her. Her motto has been "one day at a time" and I have adopted it too. I make it through the day, I think positively when I need to change my attitude, and I vent in my journal when I have fear and doubts.

It's going to be alright, but I need some guidance. When we talk about being patient for a person-- waiting for someone we love-- a young girlfriend, in a young relationship with years of problems, who hasn't even begun to confront them-- how can I possibly be patient through this experience? It feels overwhelming, but, I want to make this commitment.

> A little about us. We met at a party six months ago. We are both young 23 year-olds. We became close very quickly. Since the start, she confessed her alcoholism to me. Over time, she would confide some of her terrible secrets to me. She stopped drinking around me briefly but it came crashing back. She asked for us to break-up around our four months together but we decided to still see each other regularly. She was giving me up to drink with her ex-bf, one of her enablers.

At five months she entered detox by her own accord. She said that she still wanted me to be her boyfriend. She went into detox for a few weeks. She graduated detox and the outpatient programs and will be continuing meetings and therapy.

> So here I am in the present. She is extremely fragile. I ask nothing of her and put no pressure on her. I check in regularly and try to see her on the weekends if she is up to it. Most of our time together is spent talking about our individual lives or watching a movie. If we talk about anything else I try to keep it positive and light. Sometimes we just share a long silence together. Sometimes we have no idea what to say.

Due to her meds she is very nervous and restless. She goes up and down. Sometimes I'm in the cross-hairs. We haven't touched or kissed much or talked about our relationship since rehab. I still consider her my girlfriend and she still considers me her boyfriend. It's just hard to know anything beyond that. But, given her state of mind, I think that its probably okay for now.

> I know that I want to see her through this. I have determined through my own self-reflection that this is important to me and I believe in her. On really good days (haven't seen these in a few weeks BUT there were some great days early on) I feel like its possible, and doable, and real. I also care very deeply for her family, I love them very much.

I start to fill up with self-doubt sometimes because I am young, I am sexual, I love to socialize, and I want to be validated sometimes. Sometimes I want to stop giving love and just take love in return. I think these are natural urges too. I feel fiercely loyal to her and for now I am definitely staying.

Since she entered detox I feel like my world has deflated a little bit. The recent time that I have spent alone has been good for restructuring my internal convictions and sense of purpose. I have ways of making peace with myself even when she is at her worst. I can find that strength inside of me.

But how does one do that indefinitely?

Thank you for listening.
Rorty