Chron, my daughter who is now 5 & 1/2 was my biggest motivation to leave my AH who was an active A back then. I hit my bottom and realized I had to break the cycle (as you said) for her. I couldn't do it for me (we had been together for 14 and a half years). I kept thinking of what "insanity" is: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I wanted different results but I kept doing the same things over and over. What could I do differently? After 14.5 years, I knew I had to leave. My parents have been together over 50 years, throughout all kinds of drama. I didn't want alcoholism and I didn't want anymore drama. I was too exhausted (mind, body, & soul). I needed to remove myself and our daughter (who was 3 & 1/2 at the time) from the insane, chaotic, unpredictable, unstable environment of active alcohol addiction. It was so hard and so sad, but I got to the point where I felt I had no choice. It was between the pain of leaving and the pain of staying and leaving definitely was the more attractive choice. Unlike you, Chron, who seems to be in positive, strong spirits, I felt completely defeated and broken when I finally decided to leave.
Long story short, since I've written about this so often. . . My husband started to rapidly decline after we left (I thought he would die) and eventually hit his bottom after I took our daughter and left. He went into recovery and has been sober for a year and a half. I waited for him to be one year sober before we moved back home with him.
Being an ACOA, I wanted something different for our daughter. The truth is, her life is turning out to be similar to my childhood because my father spent most of my conscious life sober (not an active alcoholic). He fell off the wagon a few times but he was and has been sober most of my life that I remember. What has negatively affected my own childhood and upbringing wasn't active alcoholism but the drama & craziness of my father's dry alcoholism, what felt like my mother's addiction to drama, and both of their inability to deal with life/human interactions in a healthy way. (Sometimes it felt like my mother wanted to trigger or provoke my father into drinking so she could punish him. Although he's the "alcoholic" he increasingly seems more like the co-dependent one. I guess one can be both.) That's why, even though my RAH is sober, I feel so strongly that *I* have to continue to work on myself, be the best person I can be, the best example I can be for our daughter. I am so far from perfect and kick myself everyday for not having done better *but* I am more aware than my parents have ever been. (I love my parents very much. I don't hold them responsible anymore for my own issues. I have a lot of gratitude and compassion for them. I do think they did the best they knew how. They gave me as much as they could with their own limitations which allow me the courage, the insight to do better, I hope, for my daughter. My parents too are ACOAs so I understand.)
What I don't want to do is to repeat the cycle! I want it to end with my generation!
Your baby is worth making the changes for! Our children are worth it! They are gifts from the Universe! You go, Chron! And thank you, Chron, for this valuable reminder --not to repeat the cycle!
