Once bitten, twice shy...
About 18 years ago I watched, in awe, as Timmon Cermak listed the common characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics on NightLine. That was a pivitol point in my life - finding out that I am NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! What an amazing discovery - not only am I not alone, but it's something that the outside world (aka: "Normal People") recognises as a problem...
I kept my finding a secret for years, until my mom was lying in the hospital dying from her disease. There was a meeting just downstairs from her room so my one brother and I went. They brought up the subject of incest and I froze with fear - I was sitting next to my perp and I was mortified (how did they know???)... I didn't go back
After my mom died and things settled down again, I decided to give it another shot (without my brother) but I was terrified that I'd go and be "the only one" there... With much encouragement from my (now ex) mother in law, I bit the bullet and went and...
My worst fear came true -- I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE!! I waited but no one else showed up. I felt so alone and so let down... A bit of research on my m-i-l's part led to the discovery that the meeting had been moved to another location.
It took a couple of weeks for me to get the nerve up to go again but I did. It was a small, cramped room - not enough seats and the meeting was not very organised. I felt lost - I felt invisible. I didn't go back. Instead I buried myself in learning all about ACoAs and trying to heal myself.
Now my "issues" are popping up again. I find myself shying away from interaction with others - preferring to sit home on the 'puter rather than go out and interact. I won't even walk out the front door if someone is walking by - how odd is that?
I've been divorced for 12 years and have only had a handful of dates - a couple of which lasted more than one date and even less lasting a month or two - mostly because I seem to be an magnet for alcoholics and control freaks and the minute I suspect a problem I bail out. 18 mos. ago I met a great guy - funny, intelligent, down to earth but with a touch of sophistication and class... great guy... Two weeks ago my worst fears (and suspicions) were confirmed, he's got a problem with drinking (or, shall I say I have a problem with his drinking)... The fact that he's an alcoholic was confirmed, separately, by each of his siblings but adamantly denied by him. I felt angry, hurt and betrayed. I felt like a fool - so blinded by emotion (and hope) that I ignored my instincts!
I obviously need to do something different. We're still together but I'm not sure how long that is going to last - I don't trust the drinking and I don't trust him when he's drinking - too many broken promises, lies etc. and, although he said he'd quit drinking, he hasn't. I'm tired of hurting, tired of fighting, tired of crying - I know I need to find a meeting but my past experiences were pretty bad, so for now I'll do the "online thing" and try to find an Al-Anon meeting (which, for some reason, I think might be more organised) and sensitive to (or aware of) newcomers.
Any sage advice? I'm really feeling quite lost these days