I am in an odd place with this all - it's been long enough that the idea of just having a few every now and then is starting to sound reasonable, but I've also got enough time without a drink that I'm weary of ruining the streak. Staying sober has become hundreds of little hard battled choices a day. I constantly remind myself of the implications of a probation violation and the practical life matters that'd be affected, yet somewhat shockingly, at times I could care less. At the end of the day, it's about stubborn me, not the courts and not anyone else. And as absurd as it might be given all that's gone before, I likely still have it in me to throw it all away again. That's perhaps the most terrifying thing - that shifty look in my eyes that I sometimes catch in the mirror, the one that shakes me with the realization that perhaps I'm not done yet, perhaps there's more of this yet to come.
Anyhow, still sober after a tough stretch of days. Just trying to figure my way onto a better wavelength.