BobbyJ

Well it happen...After all of this misery and months of confussion. I did it.

The issues, the triggers, the constant thinking, the fears, etc, etc. kept building up in me. I work the program everyday, constantly working my brain and heart.

I go to meetings, somedays they do good and somedays I feel like they keep me trapped and running in circles, like the mouse chasing the cheese. Alanon is wonderful and has been a life saving tool for me. But I have my moments were I just get p.o. that I have to eat it, live it and breath it to survive...

I never drink, maybe 1 a year. BUT...I told myself, Im going to do this and Im going to see how it feels.

Grab a 6 six of beer, mowed the yard in the dark, left the bottles in the yard, had 3 flat tires the entire time and only 1 head light, didnt mow over any trees which was really good. Then went and got a tattoo. Drunk dialed some friends and family.

Damn, I havent laughed like that in 15 years

But then, the craziest thing happen.
About 3am in the morning I began to cry, I cried the entire next day. It wasnt just snibbles, it was big boo hoo's...
The tears kept pouring even when I went to sleep.

I sat back and wondered to myself, What triggered me to do that? What triggered me to cry? Why would you want to drink? What was your point?

Im so mad at alcohol and my xah, i could cry....I DID
Havent cried like that for years

Im so lost on who and what to be in life, i could cry...I DID

Im tired of always being the responsible one, i could cry...I DID

I had to make alot of phone calls to friends and family, explaining to them, I was only drunk dialing and I wasnt serious about them looking good in a brazillian bikini

I had to deal with more emotions and triggers, than I had bargained for.
It up rooted alot of issues, that have been hiding or ones that I didnt want
to dig out just quite yet.

I had wings, I was healed, I didnt need no stupid program and I surely didnt need to read no more books! Yeah for me!

Well, come Monday here I am, broken wings, back to the books, ready to hide away from the world, stay in my safe place (at home) isolate myself and begin to go back to work on me...And maybe plant some new flowers that did get clipped last week...

Am I glad I did it? Yes and No.
Im happy to know that I still have a sense of humor left in me.
It felt good to laugh again

No because now I have to deal with more than I wanted too.
The things I had packed inside of me, are out, staring at me!
The crying jag, was hard, but it was good like watching
a chick flick and releasing built up steam.

I thought to myself, "YOU just divorced your ah for being an alcoholic
and your out drinking. What are you thinking. Isnt that calling the pot
calling the kettle black?"...I answered yes and drank some more.

And because my girlfriend grounded me off the mower
And Im a sissy, and this new tattoo is totally not me

But today, Im laughing at myself and thats okay!

Hopefully, I will never write another post like this again!!!!