I want to second the notion that alcoholism cannot be to blame for his behavior. One book I read that completely shifted my thinking about my relationship with my husband was "why does he do that?" He makes it perfectly clear that active alcoholism is not a cause for verbal abuse, or physical. My husband has been a righteous a**hole for years, always taking out his frustration on me. When I began to see it for what it was - unfair blame-shifting, I could separate myself from the attacks. That separation brought me a modicum of peace.
My husband has also said the same - he pushes me to get a response out of me...I'm supposed to argue back. Um, NO. I believe we have the right to respond, or not. For me, if someone is pushing hard, yelling, or being disrespectful, not listening, etc. I leave the room. I remember the change that Ghandi was able to present, without talking. I remember the courage it takes to care for yourself.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know I understand. I've wasted years wishing we could "go back" too. The thing is, all we ever have is now.