BeingStill

My AAS is currently in detox after a relapse in my home. He's been in the home 9 months. Before this, he lived elsewhere for several years. He was not living with me during his years of active addiction. I took him in after he hit a hard bottom and was willing to help support him in recovery while he got back on his feet.

I also allowed his RAGF visiting privileges. They have been a couple for years, and entered rehab at the same time (but different facilities). The family gave her the opportunity to make amends and show that the relationship was something we could potentially support.

I found out after the relapse that she covered up his alcohol and drug use in my home. He has been drinking for months, and she knew this. She also accompanied him on a family vacation, knowing he had drugs in the hotel room with my other children. Her "intent" was to "help" him and try to get him to stop without anyone knowing. In short, she is extremely codependent and enabling and damage has been done within the family. I don't need to tell you the danger of codependency and alcoholism/addiction.

I am allowing my AAS to continue living in the home for this last chance. I knew the relapse odds were very high, so we had a relapse plan in place. If there is another relapse, he will be asked to leave immediately.

There are new house rules, and my boundaries will be strictly enforced. He is paying rent and is expected to work a recovery program.

My question is about the RAGF. We know she did not cause my son to drink/use, but by covering, protecting, hiding and allowing substances around my family, trust has been severed and we no longer believe the relationship is supportable... at least not as it is.

We will give our son one last chance to live in the home, but the RAGF is not our child, so can't find the same place in our hearts to give her another chance.

My AAS is free to leave at any moment, so I'm not concerned about his comfort level or keeping him happy. What I'd like to know is if what I'm thinking is appropriate or if it's me getting involved in their "stuff."

Would it be okay to say that as a condition of the RAGF being allowed to visit in the home, she has to attend Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings?

I have the same boundary for my son. He cannot live in the home without being actively involved in a recovery program. Meetings, sponsor, therapist, whatever. I cannot live with an addict/alcoholic who is not seeking recovery. Simply being clean and sober is not enough to meet my boundaries.

If my AAS doesn't want to work a recovery program, I can't do a thing about that. But I don't have to live with him.

So is it within my bounds to set a condition for the RAGF as well?

I welcome any input. Thank you.