Vent away, Noble. My only fear is that once you stop swimming against the tide, and stop paddling, the only thing you can do is drown. And you are in danger of drowning in a vat of scotch.
Please chuck it away, vent here some more...and keep venting until you feel done with venting. Your posts recently have been gearing up more and more toward relapse, if you read back over them you'll see you are tricking yourself into thinking there's no other way. That darn stinkin' thinkin'! There's nothing I can do to stop this, but I'm practically hopping off my seat shouting 'NO! NO!'
I'm so sorry it's been a cr*ppy day for you. Tomorrow might not be fab either, but with a hangover to deal with, it's going to be even worse. Your avatar is full of sense. Keep calm and carry on. Hugs.