Does this ring true for anyone?
The Provocatrix
The third character in this act is the key person in the play, the wife or mother of the alcoholic, the person in his life who is the center of the alcoholic's home. Usually it is the wife, and we are aware of the fact that this person is a veteran at this role and has played it much longer than the other characters in the act. For lack of a better term, we may call this woman the Provocatrix, or the provoker. She is provoked by the occurrence of drinking episodes, but she holds the family together despite the disrupting factors of alcoholism. In turn, she becomes the source of provocation, and controls, coerces, adjusts, never gives up, never gives in, never lets go but never forgets. The attitude of the alcoholic is one that allows failure on his part, but she must never fail him. He is free to do as he pleases, but she must do exactly what he tells her. She must be at home when he arrives, if he arrives.
Another name for this character might be the Compensator, for she is constantly adjusting to every crisis produced by alcoholism and compensates for everything that goes wrong within the home and marriage. In addition to the roles of wife, housekeeper and possibly earning part of the bread, she becomes nurse, doctor and counselor. She cannot play these roles without injury to herself and to her husband. Yet everything in our present society conditions the wife to play the role of Provocatrix. If she does not play it, she goes against what society conceives the role of wife to be. No matter what the alcoholic does, he ends up "at home," for this is where everyone goes when there is no other place to go.
Act two is now played out in full. The alcoholic in his helpless condition has been rescued put back on the job and restored as a member of the family. This reclothes him in the costume of a responsible adult. It has, however, increased his dependency because the consequences of drinking were removedby others and the entire mess cleaned up by persons other than the one who made it. The painful consequences of drinking were suffered by persons other than the drinker, which permits drinking to be a very real problem-solving device of the alcoholic. Drinking removed the psychic pain, and the persons in act two removed the painful consequences episode
this is from the below Pernell thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...=&threadid=2168
Another thought....Gagiboo there are RCA meetings as well. You will see loving veteran couples who have survived the travails you are traversing....
Sunday nights there is one At Kennedy Hospital in Stratford NJ.