Is mine next & can I handle it?
Well, some of you know my story...It's been a ride..
After last weeks call from xah & me calling his brother
I have had a very un-easy (gut feeling) that something is not good.
A couple days later, his neice texts me.
This is what she wrote: He is not eating much, but he is still holding his job and admitted he is not even trying to sober anymore. Somedays it seems he cant even walk, he walks very slow.He is a mess!! So please pray for him.
I sat there in my chair, my mind went numb. I left work and came home and cried myself to sleep.
I told her, I would give anything to click my heels 3 times and get him sober.
But I cant. I tried for 13 years and it didnt work. I did the yelling, the pleading, the bargain deals, the sad eyes, the trusting he would quit
Thank Goodness she understands that it is up to HIM to get sober, no one else can do it for him
I am struggling with guilt for the past couple of days.
Guilt, Your wondering why?....The same old damn mind games that play with my head over and over late in the night, should I, would I, could of?
What if I would have supported him more. Maybe if I went to more classes with him? What if, What if...OMG......WHAT IF...
And the biggest guilt of all: I never went to Alanon while he was in rehab, so when he came home. I didnt give him the support he probably needed from me. I was a angry upset sad confussed distressed disfunctional fine, wife (that was all one word by the way) -
Would he be sober if I would have gone to Alanon, while he was in rehab?
Would he be sober if I would have been nice to him?
Would he be sober if I would of understood what an alcoholic is?
Would he, Would he
Would I, Would I
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Now, I have this text from his neice on my shoulders...
If he is next in line to drink himself to death...How am I going to handle this?
Im trying hard not to think into the future, Im trying to think about what is around the corner for me. I am having a very hard time of what if's....
Let Go & Let God..Is a powerful statement, that I repeat to myself a hundred times a day. It is one that I try so hard to apply in my life & in my mind...
I struggle with letting go and watching him kill himself to a damn bottle...